there were big days and super fantastic moments but it will be everyday that i’ll be missing when noah goes to school… our hours of wondering, playing, discovering, lingering, learning together. i can’t believe 5 years have gone by so fast.

i know it will be good.  i know he will be amazing. i know i will celebrate their accomplishments and their growth with pride and excitement but a part of me will mourn these days. our simple and beautiful everydays.

noah was not always the best sleeper… he didn’t really sleep through the night until he was 17 months old and then chloe came along a month after that. so i have been getting poor quality sleep for a very very long time. i remember the desperate tired feeling when noah was a newborn but it’s not like that anymore. it’s a way of life after all this time. and actually the past week or so has been blissfully uneventful. i can’t imagine sleeping a whole night without waking up at least once. even when they are staying the night somewhere i wake up out of habit.

i hate the thought of her going through surgery and i’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind. noah had dental surgery when he was 2 and it was a terrifying experience…i still have nightmares. but she will begin to suffer from her sleep issues in the years to come if we don’t try to help her. she struggles to breath at night. she has to work so hard for air that she gasps, her chest pulls in, i’ve counted as much as 10 seconds waiting for her to take a breath and then she basically chokes herself and then she’s awake. we used to tease about how she snores like a grown man and that as soon as she was asleep you would know by the volume and intensity of her snoring.

we took a little video to her appointment and it sealed the deal even though it was a fairly mild example as she had just fallen asleep. there is no denying that something isn’t going right for her.

i think it will change her world when she gets that first night of easy peaceful breathing. brent and i will probably have several nights of panic at first when we don’t hear her snores :) 

are they really the most misbehaving children ever? they might be. whenever we go out (including with other children) it is ALWAYS my kid that is having the freakout. the one that has everyone staring because somebody must be murdering the child in order for it to produce that sound and pitch.

i feel the need for a disclaimer here *of course they are the smartest, funniest, most beautiful children to ever exist and i love them in a way that cannot be measured. when they are gone i miss them terribly* however, i’m extremely frustrated with them and sometimes wonder where i’ve gone so wrong for them to behave this way…of course i blame myself and trust me…so does everyone else.

deep breathing don’t fail me now.

i’m escaping to emily’s tonight…god be with my husband.